Lisbon Portugal Bucket List

Man I Need — A Leap of Faith

When I hear “Man I Need” by Olivia Dean, the man I’m thinking of is Jesus.

About four months ago, Jesus started showing me multiple spiritual signs to go to Portugal. Every time someone mentioned Portugal or Lisbon, my ears would start ringing, like a divine alert I couldn’t ignore. One day, I even found a book on the side of the road, left there all alone, and the word Lisbon was highlighted. Then at my favorite venue, I noticed the coat check’s new tip jar, it said, “Help me raise money to go to Lisbon, Portugal.”

At that point, I couldn’t call it coincidence. I’m a woman of faith, and I’ve learned not to take spiritual nudges lightly. I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe in callings. Sometimes, faith asks us to move before we understand why.

It felt like God was handing me a Tiffany-blue gift box from heaven, whispering, “I really want you to have this. So many good things are waiting for you when you go.”

That left me with a choice: Find the “right” time to go. Go as soon as I possibly could, no matter the cost. Or (the worst choice of all) do nothing.

I chose faith.

The Truth is

Here’s what I’ve found so far: I’m emotionally unavailable.

Yep, proudly, honestly, and maybe for the first time. I can say I’m not capable of being in a relationship right now. And why am I happy about that? Because I’ve realized I already have everything I need.

If I can see what isn’t working, then I know what to change.

This trip has forced me to self-reflect. I thought I was emotionally present. Showing up, helping others, being a good steward of my community. But the first night I laid my head on my Lisbon hotel pillow, I felt a familiar feeling, the relief of feeling safe somewhere new.

It reminded me of my Navy days. Bootcamp bunks. Shared barracks. The tiny deployment rack with 27 women in one room. Even that bed in France when I traveled with friends.

The Carrie Bradshaw Questions

So I started wondering: Why do I feel so safe in these beds, but not in my own bed back home in San Francisco?

In San Francisco, I fall asleep mentally preparing for an intruder, a fire, or an earthquake. Every night, I lie awake thinking, “Thank God that didn’t happen.”

Here’s what He showed me: when I took the risk of joining the Navy, leaving home, and stepping into the unknown, I went to sleep each night with simple, unwavering faith that everything would be okay.

And even if it wasn’t, I trusted that it was God’s decision.

Live like we’re dying, right? YOLO?

That is, until someone does die.

When Faith Meets Grief

When my friend Linda (his real name was Austin) passed away, my world crashed. I went on autopilot — surviving through discipline and doing good because I believed good things would follow.

But here in Lisbon, I realized I’ve been operating my goodness on autopilot. My subconscious knew it, but my heart didn’t believe it.

When Austin died, I blocked every emotion — sadness, pain, grief, happiness, even hope. Especially hope. The hope that everything would be okay.

I lost trust — in life, in God, and most painfully, in myself.

I took a six-month trauma and PTSD group therapy course that helped me reopen those emotions. But even with that progress, I still found myself moving through life numb — going through the motions.

That’s when it hit me.

The Realization

I didn’t just lose trust in God. I lost trust in myself.

Now, I can finally admit: I don’t fully trust myself to make good decisions. I don’t always feel safe with myself. But lying here in Lisbon, crying and typing at 11:30 PM, I can say — I finally have hope again.

Because if God lives in all of us, and I don’t trust what’s within me, then how can I truly say I trust Him?

Hope Returns

Even though I’m emotionally unavailable, even though I have trust issues, I now have hope again after a long, long time.

So let me ask you:Have you lost hope in any area of your life?Are you avoiding something on your bucket list because a small part of you doesn’t believe you’ll be okay no matter what happens?

If you feel that way, please know — I’ve been there. I’m still in the mess of it now. But even after losing hope, I believe we can all find a way to trust again.

Because if there’s a will, there’s a way.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you. Comment below or DM me with the phrase “rooting for you.” That way, I’ll know to tell you — I’m rooting for you too. 💛

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